A Panic-filled Kiss

Someone told me once that assumptions steal choice. For so many years, I’ve made decisions based on what I thought people wanted me to do or what I thought was best for them. The key in that sentence is “thought,” the sister to “assumed.” I didn’t realize how much I was taking away someone’s choice by making decisions solely based on assumptions. I now know that this has hindered my dating life in many, many ways. We all make mistakes, especially in dating, and this meet cute story was my big mess.

Mr Dashing and I met on a Christian dating app and only chatted for a day before fate stepped in…

It was a couple of days before New Year’s Eve in 2019 and I had just arrived at church. I grabbed a coffee while catching up with some friends, before eventually finding a seat near the back of the sanctuary. Normally, I would be helping the service team because I was on church leadership at the time, but on this particular Sunday, our church had partnered with another local church and we were in their building. It was refreshing to have a Sunday where I could enjoy the service without working.

Halfway through the service, I noticed a guy sitting in the row in front of me. He was so handsome and felt familiar for some reason. As I tried to take a closer look without bringing attention to myself, I realized he was the guy I had been texting just the night before on the dating app. We hadn’t discussed the churches we were attending, so this was a complete coincidence!

“As the service ended, I nonchalantly lingered in my row without going over to him. This was in typical Kaila fashion. Why take a leap of faith and put yourself out there when you could passively stand within view of the guy of interest, hoping he’ll read your mind? This tactic has been working against me my whole life. You think I’d learn!”

However, Mr Dashing saw through my “tactics” and came straight over and asked, “Are you Kaila?” I turned around putting on an award-winning performance of being surprised to see him. I guess he had been talking to another girl in my church and she invited him to our service. As a proper gentleman, he was upfront about this and actually found her after we spoke to end things.

We went for dinner the next day which turned into a walk along Southbank (I was living in London at the time) and then warming up in the British Film Institute. Five hours passed and it felt like no time at all! Our second date came soon after and we went to the movies to see a Guy Ritchie film, The Gentlemen. At this point, we hadn’t touched much, but now we were on this leather loveseat in the movie theatre. I remember trying to move closer to him and ended up knocking over my full bag of popcorn.

“I felt so embarrassed that I barely noticed that he had slipped his arm around my waist. He then got up and grabbed me another bag of popcorn and we easily fell into each other’s arms the rest of the night.”

It felt good. He felt safe. I was happy.

He chose to take me home, which is a big deal in London. Why, you may ask? Because people rarely live close to each other and public transport takes time. I lived in the East and he lived in the West, yet he went an hour out his way to take me home. As we walked from the DLR station to my house, we were hand-in-hand reflecting on the movie and the artistry of Guy Ritchie’s films. We were almost at my house when he stopped me. He asked, no, he stated how much he wanted to kiss me. I coyly said, “You can kiss me!” He smiled and wrapped me up in his arms. This didn’t feel like a first kiss between two individuals getting to know each other, but a kiss between two people who cared for each other. He then kissed me on the cheek and I slowly walked towards my flat, looking over my shoulder at him before opening the door.

Before I describe what happened next, there is something you must know. I hadn’t kissed anyone in 13 years! I know. That’s a lot of years. The answer to your “why” questions will come in a later blog, but for this particular post, all you need to know is that the build-up to this moment was immense. My insecurities were raging and I was so worried I wouldn’t know what I was doing. The last guy I kissed, I had broken up with him because I felt we had gone too far physically (Christian shame had a huge hold on me at that time). So, maybe the following reaction to this kiss makes sense.

Let’s get to the kiss aftermath…

“As I closed the door, I could feel the ground shift. My heart was racing and not in the way you would expect. My head felt like it was full of helium and I started feeling dizzy. I was having a panic attack.”

I moved towards the staircase and sat down. I’m not sure how long I was there before my flatmate came home. She asked what I was doing sitting in the dark and I replied in a panicked tone, “I was on a date and we kissed and it was too much and I feel overwhelmed and I don’t like it and I wasn’t expecting to react like this.”

*big sigh*

“To this day, I still remember my flatmate’s face. She looked confused and even more weirded out by my reaction. I read between the lines and thought something was wrong with me. I should have welcomed a kiss, especially after so long, but I didn’t. This made me question everything. ”

On our third date, I told Mr Dashing that our first kiss was too much for me. He was, once again, a gentleman about things and said he was happy to go at whatever speed I felt comfortable with. It’s weird looking back on things, but I did feel so comfortable with him. He expressed how much he liked me and wanted to be with me, but I was unsure after the kiss. So, on our fourth date, I met up with him and ended things. I ended things because he liked me more than I liked him and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. The crazy part of all this is he messaged me later saying, “Thank you for being honest with me. I know that wasn’t easy for you.” I felt sick after that. How could I end things with such a lovely human? 

And this is where my assumptions stole Mr Dashing’s choice. Instead of ending things with him, I should have said that I was still unsure of how I felt and if he was willing, knowing where I stood on things, we could continue going on dates. I needed time to figure out how I felt, whereas he was so certain. I should have allowed him to choose, but I didn’t. I stole his choice and assumed I was making the right decision for him by ending things.

That was wrong of me and I have learnt my lesson. 

“I think of Mr Dashing fondly and am grateful our paths crossed. I hope he is doing well and has found the love he deserves!”

Editor’s Note: We actually continued texting after I ended things. He wanted to remain friends and I was more than willing. Then the pandemic happened and I went to a really dark place with my anxiety. Slowly we disconnected and the last time we spoke was on my birthday in 2020. Funny the memories and emotions that come up when looking back on old WhatsApp messages…