Friendship and Ghosting: A Tale Untold
Have you ever been ghosted by a friend? I have. Multiple times. Some of my favourite meet cutes have been with my friends, but not all have lasted this far. It’s a tough thing to write about—this phenomenon of friendship. It’s multi-faceted and deeply part of our lives. Yet, here I sit, ready to disclose a meet cute turned unrequited. *big sigh* But I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t challenge myself to be vulnerable, so here we go…
We all avoid tough conversations and I am one who definitely procrastinates (she says while writing this blog at 7pm the night before publication). BUT I really struggle with being ghosted. I think it feeds on my fear of being forgotten. So, when friends cut all ties and disappear, my fear comes to life. Those have been the most painful. Similar to romantic unrequited love, friends that ghost create distress. It’s the missed opportunities of what could have been that cause so much pain.
This has been my last couple of months. I watched friend after friend stop following me on social media. I know social media isn’t everything and definitely not a representation of your true friendships, but these are actual friends I knew in real life. We travelled together, safely spilled secrets, cried openly with each other, and stayed strong through some of the darkest times. I suspected they had some “beef” with me recently, but they had not voiced it… besides subtle (or not so subtle) passive-aggressive comments and using the simple yet effective form of non-communication, ghosting.
“I’ve learned how to handle ghosting with dating. I have come to expect it as a cultural norm (sadly). But, I have never gotten used to it with friendships.
So, to the story…”
The Golden Retriever was exactly how society has painted them, she was always there to support in whatever way she could. We originally connected over coffee (shocker) and thus began a beautiful friendship. She was even the type of friend that would help me move. That’s a good friend because we all know that moving isn’t fun! And when things got really dark for me (see my latest blog—My Greatest Heartbreak), she held my hand through it all. Filled me with red wine or gin when it was needed and let me cry in public without being awkward. Friendship is true when they are constant—through the normalcy of each day, the bad, and the moments of celebration.
But, things shifted. Or maybe the signs were always there but I didn’t see them.
A mutual friend of ours (we’ll call her Miss Couture) had already cut me out of her life. To be honest, this wasn’t a surprise. I remember thinking when we were friends, “I would hate to get on her bad side.” Welp, I did and for whatever reason, only she knows why. But what I knew as a former friend of Miss Couture was that if she didn’t like someone, she made sure everyone around her eventually disliked them as well. The Golden Retriever became close with Miss Couture over the years and the slow fade, like Homer Simpson into the hedge, began to take action.
I remember one of our last phone calls. The Golden Retriever seemed subtly angry but was trying to hide it. Kind of like what you do in work meetings—you act as pleasant as possible but your face reveals more than you think. I kept asking if she was okay and she answered in an upbeat tone, “Oh yeah!”
“But my gut told me what I eventually came to accept, that this was the beginning of the end. ”
Soon, she became too busy for calls, blaming it on the time zone difference. This is valid in a lot of ways since I was 7 hours behind her in time. Then the texts became less and less with a more formal tone. More of a response you would get from a work colleague. Then, the final cut. She went on vacation with Miss Couture and that was when the official ghosting commenced.
It took me a while to get over this loss. Maybe I’m still grieving in a way. It’s hard when someone makes you feel seen and you mutually invest in each other, all for it to end in a silent disengagement.
“I beat myself up for months over what I did wrong, but if there’s one thing I’ve learnt over the years it’s that friendship is more nomadic than we have come to believe. Some are only here for one season of life, others pop in and out, while a very small few are in it for the long haul.”
The Golden Retriever was a seasonal friend and contrary to how things ended, she was genuinely there for me through some dark times. For that, I will always be grateful!
As for ghosting in friendships (and dating), I will never understand it, which isn’t a shocker since my career is in Communications. Doesn’t mean I’m perfect at it in relationships (far from it), but does mean it’s important to me. We try and try again! Why? Because relationships are worth it. Love is worth it. And friendship is icing on the cupcake of life that we all know, love, and fight for!
Editor’s Note: The Golden Retriever and I did run into each other a year after the ghosting. It was awkward and we were both surprised to see each other. She seemed happy to see me, but it was the same gut feeling on that final phone call we had a year prior—there was an underlying tone I couldn’t quite pinpoint. Soon after seeing each other, she removed me from social media. Maybe I’ll never know why, but I’m at peace with the unanswered questions.
