Unedited Me | Part 1
It is time. Every story I share is edited (to the best of my weak-editing abilities), but today I bring you an unedited version and it’s all about taking a break.
“We were on a breeakkkk!” — Ross Geller, Friends
I took a break from my weekly Wednesday blog posting last week. It might have been that I arrived home at 3am Wednesday morning from my trip to California and I hadn’t even started to put together a blog post or the newsletter that goes with it (cue promo… “sign up now”). I think it had more to do with my mind being full of thoughts and no clear path to take. But this week, I am choosing a path and it’s not about a specific dating story. Nope! This path feels more vulnerable. More exposing. Probably because it’s a story that is not about the past, but about the present me and where I am at.
So, where am I at?
I realized this week that I might not actually ever meet a significant other—someone to spend my life with. Now, please hear me out. I do not say this with sadness or a desire for sympathy. Maybe five years ago, or even less, I would be, but not today. Today it’s a practical thought.
Why?
Because this year has been brutal with dating. In particular, the last handful of months where my boundaries have been broken. And by that, I mean no matter how many times I said no, the guys didn’t listen. Sadly, I know this is common, but I’ve always had hope because I have many good men in my life. I am truly thankful for them!
“But, my experience hasn’t been with good men. This begs the question, why should I keep dating if people don’t care?”
I’ve been reflecting a lot.
As I processed these unsettling and disturbing dating experiences and couldn’t help but see it from the flip side. If I was with some, and they said no, I wouldn’t want to keep pushing. I would care about them enough to listen to what they want. Isn’t that part of what relationships are about? Listening to each other? I can’t fathom being so territorial that I would ignore someone to the extent of harming them.
So, where do I go from here?
My hope is not crushed, though my soul is a little cracked. So, instead of “putting myself out there” to try and find a significant other, my hopeless romantic mind has turned into Miss Practical. I am focusing on my investments. I know. I know how that sounds! I’m even laughing as I write this. But it’s true.
“If I’m going to be on my own (not alone, because I have great friends and family) for the rest of my life, I am going to take care of myself and be prepared!”
I’ve paid off all my debt and have found ways to ensure stability should I have to retire or reduce work hours earlier than expected due to my chronic illness and autoimmune disorder. So, for the past month, I have become more independent with my life and successful in my business, and weirdly, that has brought me a great amount of comfort!
Is there still hope?
Right now, if I were completely honest (though I’m really struggling to say this), I don’t have hope for dating. Maybe in five years, things will be different. My friend (the amazing photographer of this website!!) jokingly said, “Men tend to have midlife crises in their 40s and begin to see the important things in life. Maybe that’s when things will get better?” We both laughed, but maybe she’s on to something!
I don’t know what the future holds and if I have learned anything, it’s never say never (cue Justin Bieber). So, I will leave you with this… the ‘hope’ in hopeless romantic still clings to me like hot leather pants but my recent experiences are swaying me otherwise.
“I want to hope and need to still hold onto hope, but for now and today I find comfort in taking care of myself and making sure my future (whether I’m with someone or not) is the fullest, beautifulest, and most captivating life! ”
Editor’s Note: This was written as a stream of thoughts. No edits. Just me being me!
